I believed in the saying action speaks louder than words. I was under the illusion, that’s what some of my friends believed in too. An incident proved me wrong to my bitter disappointment. These friend’s I mention here are those friends I spend most of my time with. I talk to them a lot on issues related to women. I love these kinds of conservation with them, as it’s interesting to hear male’s views on issues related to women. I thought they were very much sensitive regarding the poor status of women in the society, whenever I talked about female issues besides listening with interest they participated in the debate even if it sometimes goes to extent. They convinced me if I become radical. They corrected me in every extent. A good conservation with them always left me thinking how fortunate I am to have friends sensitive on women related issues.
They talked as though they were the ones who believed in gender equality. Their talk always gave the impression that they were those who thought it was high times the suffering of women in our society changed. Well I have heard them say a number of times that lack of proper education is the only factor that marks the difference between women and men. But alas that’s not all there are hundreds of things that mark the difference between a man and a woman.
That’s what I found out when I went with a proposal to my friends. (They have been in search of a suitable life partner for some time now). They enthusiastically listened about her. Apart from describing her beautiful features I also informed them she is well educated, they seemed even more interested. It was but natural for being educated and intellectual themselves they would love to marry a woman with her own identity. But I was puzzled when they directly refused to hear more about her once after I disclosed that she is a widow.
Here’s the story of my friend – Her husband died of drug overdose. Having spent just about three days with her husband, she was barely experienced what marriage actually mean. When she came to know that her husband was a drug user and was spending last days of his life, she was stunned. When her husband didn’t come home even during nights, she finally started living with her parents, as hers was an arranged marriage.
Let me tell another story of a girl named Rosa, who had a bitter experience with marriage. She got married when she was barely 18 years old. She had just passed SLC and joined I.A. Rosa was forced to marry the guy, under lot of pressure for family and friends is girls who has just touched adulthood was left with on choice but with the accepting her fate. Rosa was convinced herself to marry a guy she had not even seen.
Soon after marriage she had typhoid. And had to bed rest for 15 days. On the 16th day she came to her parents as Shora Rat (ritual of visiting parental home in 16th days of marriage). Since her examination was nearing she started living with her parents. That was in consent of her husband and his family. However, they had warned her that, this was her last examination and she would not be allowed to continue her education any further. Despite the fact that her husband had promised her parents that he would allow her study even if his family opposed But when Rosa asked permission from her husband to study further his only and one reply to her expression was, “Who will look after the Kheti if you go to collage. You are married to shoulder all our farm work not to complete your education.”
The next morning he gathered all his family members and called her father as well and said, “She wants to divorce me.” You can guess what would have had happened to her. But she didn’t give up rather she committed to stay in his house. But she had to give up when he spread a rotten rumor that she was also married to her boyfriend and that was the reason why she wanted to divorce him. He even showed fake letters to people. When all these accusations failed to push Rosa out of his house he dared to announce that Rosa was HIV infected and that he could no more call her his wife.
She was battered and forced to leave his home at mid night. Even her own parents refused to accept her back. They too believed all the accusation against her. Then she started living with her aunt. After a while she managed to get a job. It was only when she became self-dependent that her parents accepted her back. Nearly a year later she filed case for divorce. As no self-respecting woman can tolerate being labeled “characterless.” Apart from the accusation of HIV infected.
The next month she divorced him, he married another woman. Later she came to know the lady he married was his girlfriend. He had married Rosa just because his girlfriend was from another caste and not accepted by his family. He had to prove that it’s better to marry a girl from another caste rather than accept a “characterless” woman.
Instead of remaining as a wife of worst man, Rosa completed her master’s degree and is a professional working woman today. Though she always hated men, a few days ago shared with me that she liked a man and proposed him. He accepted her. But few weeks later when she shared that she is a divorcee, he started ignoring her and finally detached from her. However, one of his friends came and proposed to her saying that Rosa was one of the best women in his surrounding and he would do everything for her if she accepted his proposal. But ironically he was a married and has two kids along with a beautiful wife.
Here comes the issue. What is the fault of my friend and Rosa that every man should reject her from marrying and see them with only greedy eyes as a commodity? Why should they compulsorily look for a widowed man already having children or a divorced one? I don’t mean to say they should only marry bachelors. But my argument is that, when unmarried women normally accept widowed or divorced men, why can’t unmarried men do likewise?
It is the male psychology with dwelt nature, one side that is continuing the same discriminatory structure. It’s wrong to generalize. Yet I have no choice as, I haven’t found a single acceptation. No, Not even my friends to whom I always trusted regarding such matters.
Keeping in mind that today’s men, men of 21st century will not have differences in their feelings in denying the so called “tradition” of not marrying a divorcee or a widow, I had had proposed “Males” in the veil of “Modernism”. But my faith simply got shattered when their real heart spoke out. When I came to know their belief that no bachelor should accept already married or a singled woman unless and until he is die-hard fan of her (divorcee or a widow).
One of several, with whom I talked said, “Why should we even see such woman unless we fail to find someone who is not married, a ‘virgin’?” Well for them a girl who is not married is virgin. Contrary to the fact that several studies have shown that majority of unmarried teenagers have had experienced sex giving rise to the vulnerability of Sexually Transmitted Diseases and HIV and AIDS.
The greatest irony is that best person to have extra marital affair is widow or a divorcee. The best category of women to be kept as ‘keep’ is also divorcee or widow. Widows and divorcees for them are only to have physical pleasure.
As everyone knows these facts but my propose in repeating these tiring facts is to try and give a wake up call to this educated generation to practice what they have been taught. To try and put themselves in the shoes of these unfortunate women who had horrible glimpse of married life?
I wonder if there is a guy out there who is man enough to accept these lovely ladies and show them what a good marriage can be. I would be happy with my writing if I could change at least one person’s attitude towards marrying a widow or a divorcee. Is there any one with a heart big enough to respect women for what they are rather than ponder about their unpleasant past?
– Sangeeta Rijal
